Lonely Companionship
by Passionate Cec
Summary: What was Sam thinking when she came to see Jack in the infirmary? How did she feel while she hugged him after her best friend died. Set during Heroes.
1. Lonely Companionship

Hey there.

Second fic I'm posting tonight. But asolutely not the same mood.

I watched the hug scene from Heroes last night and immediately felt a bit depressed and wanted to write something. So I wrote this. It's sad and I cried several times while writing it. I suspect it's yet another kind of fic that has been written many times over but maybe I can add my own little piece.

I hope you will like it and won't cry too much. I'm sorry if you do. Know that I have cried as well.

I wrote a second fic which is another one shot but which will be the second chapter of this story.

Stargate SG-1 and its characters don't belong to me. The sole purpose of this story is entertainment. No copyright infringement intended.

Once again, let me know what you thought about this. :)

Enjoy. :)

**Lonely Companionship**

The Colonel has seen her cry before. And Sam knows she has every right to cry. Her best friend, one of the only women she ever trusted, one of the only female friend she ever had just died. And it hurts. It hurts so much all she wants to do is crawl in a small dark corner, curl up in a ball and sleep. But for some reason, she tries to hold back the tears that threaten to spill once more. Maybe because, deep down, she knows some of these tears are for him.

Because of the fear, the panic she felt when he went down and the relief she felt when she felt a pulse under her fingers and then, when Dr. Wagner told her that he would make it.

She looks up, tears burning in her eyes and the look on his face tells her what she already knows. He knows exactly how she is feeling. She knows how much pain he feels as well. Because he might have teased Janet to no end, he loved her dearly and she was a great friend to all of them.

'I'm really glad you're okay.'

So little. And yet so much. She doesn't need to say anything else for him to know the despair she felt when she thought she had lost him. It isn't the first time they face this and they have both felt these overwhelming feelings of pain and fear before. He steps forward and their eyes are locked. He is close to crying as well. There are no tears in his eyes but she knows that his heart is breaking because he lost yet another person very dear to him and because he can see how much she is hurting.

When the Colonel is standing close enough that their fingers are brushing, he stops and no words are needed. They have always been good at this. Silent conversation.

'C'mere.'

Sam doesn't resist because this is what she needs. This is what, unconsciously, she has really come to get. The feel of his warm body against hers. His arms around her so she knows he is well and truly alive. It hurts and makes her feel guilty that she can feel so much relief and comfort when her best friend has just died. But she has been so scared that she would lose him too. It would have broken her to pieces, left her shattered on the grassy and soggy ground of that blasted planet.

His arms are warm and tight around her, probably hurting his injured abdomen and tender ribs. But he doesn't seem to care one bit and neither does she. She wants to lose herself in his embrace, forget about the rest of the world and never let go of him. He presses his face against the side of her neck, his lips just barely brushing her skin and she closes her eyes as tears stream down her face. She can feel the wetness against her skin and knows the strong and unflappable Colonel has shed tears as well.

It's humbling and soul shattering that, in her arms, his face tucked against the crook of her neck, he feels safe and comfortable enough to let go. To show his true feelings the way he never does. She feels the pain in her chest and bites her trembling lower lip hard, her eyes closed tightly and her hands gripping at his shoulders like a lifeline. But she can't hold back the sob that tears from her chest like the broken cry of despair that it is. It's loud and feels like blasphemy in this sacred moment. But she knows there will be more, so she presses her face against his neck, one hand moving to cup the back of his head, holding him to her as much as she holds on to him.

And she sobs. She sobs like a child. Like she hasn't since her mother died so many years ago. Every sob, every tear, every single thought hurts. He is the one she needs because without him to hold on to, she would crumble to the ground. His arms are tight around her, his fingers gripping at the back of her neck so hard he will probably leave bruises. But she can't bring herself to care in the least. They are hurting and they need each other. If he needs to hold her so tight he will leave bruises on her skin, then she is more than willing to let him.

It's been too damn close today and one of them hasn't made it. Flirting with death on a daily basis takes its toll and today they have lost their legendary luck. So they are weak and broken at the same time.

When her sobs finally let up and their grip on each other isn't as desperate anymore she pulls back just a bit so she can rest her head against his shoulder and press her face against his neck again. His lips accidentally brush hers and butterflies do somersaults in her stomach but she doesn't care. It isn't what she wants right now. All she needs is for him to hold her, to tell her that she still has what she needs and loves the most. He seems to understand because he simply rest his chin against her temple, one arm tight around her waist, his other hand caressing her hair. She breathes in deeply and feels fresh tears well up in her eyes. But they don't fall. She holds him equally tight and breathes in his scent, as if it were the one thing that would keep her going.

Never have they hugged like this before. Never have they held each other so long, taking strength from each other, allowing themselves to let go for once. She presses her forehead just a bit tighter to his neck and sighs.

'I miss her.' She whispers, her voice raspy. He nods against her temple.

'I know. I miss her too.'

She wants to say more. But there are too many thoughts running through her mind, too many feelings in her heart and she doesn't know how to say the words. She doesn't know which ones to say and she doesn't trust herself not to mumble something utterly incoherent before once again sobbing her heart out on his BDU's. As it is, she is tearing up again so she closes her eyes tightly and tries to hold them back. Miraculously, it works and she manages to pull away from him.

Sam looks up at him and knows she probably looks miserable. The Colonel tries to smile but fails just as much as she would if she tried. His hands cup her cheeks and he leans forward to press a long kiss against her forehead. She closes her eyes again and her hands circle his wrists, giving them a grateful squeeze when he pulls back. She opens her mouth to say something, but is once again at a loss as to what to say. Surprisingly, he finds the words that will work.

'She was lucky to have you as a friend.'

That makes the tears in her eyes slip down her cheeks and he throws her an apologetic and compassionate smile before kissing each of her cheeks once, his lips brushing the tears away.

'Salty.'

She laughs through her tears and shoots him a bright smile. As bright as she can muster. But his lightheartedness and humour are what she needs. She needs to feel that life will go on. His hands slip down her arms and he squeezes her hands once before stepping away. They are still standing way closer than they should and it feels good to know that they still have that connection. That their moment isn't completely broken. It almost feels like a silent promise. He is there for her is she needs him. As she is for him.

'You'll do great at the memorial. And you'll do great with Cassie.'

'Not alone.' She whispers before she realizes it. He lifts a hand to cup her cheek again and sets his eyes on hers.

'You're never alone, Carter.' She nods, enjoying the feel of the rough skin of his fingertips against the delicate skin of her cheek. She smiles a bit again. 'You okay?'

'As okay as I will be.' She answers honestly as his hands slips away again. 'Are you, sir?'

'Same. Good to go?'

She breathes in deeply and nods. He walks past her and opens the door, motioning for her to step out first. She nods and steps out, feeling his hand just barely brush down her back once before he steps out as well.


	2. Companionable Loneliness

The promised second chapter. It's much lighter and more playful. I didn't feel like dealing with another complete chapter that would be as dark and angsty as the first one.

I hope you'll like this. Don't forget to click the little blue link and let me know what you think. I looove reviews. :D

Enjoy. :)

**Companionable Loneliness**

Jack walks back into his house after having shown the last guests out. Well, not quite the last ones but those that remain are more than simple guests. In the living room, Daniel and Teal'c look worn and exhausted. Carter is nowhere in sight.

'Where's Carter?' He asks, dropping heavily onto his couch.

'Spare room. With Cassie.'

Jack nods just as his second walks in. She's barefoot and somehow it makes her look small and vulnerable. Or maybe it's his large sweatshirt that she has worn more often in seven years than he has in ten. Which is a lot. It looks worn, old and used to within an inch of its life. But she still wears it every time she's here and the weather warrants warmer clothes. And really, why would he complain? She looks beautiful in it and he likes knowing that she loves wearing something of his, no matter how used it is. Her skirt has seen better days as well. It's wrinkled and it's obvious it has been worn all day and not in the best circumstances.

And if he's being honest, she doesn't look any better than the skirt or the sweater. But he doesn't want to think about the reason for the too pale skin, large dark circles under her eyes, disheveled hair, red nose and puffy eyes. She drops onto the couch as heavily as he did just a few moments earlier and, unsurprisingly, curls up around herself. Her knees are pulled up against her chest and he just barely notices her hands shaking before she tucks them between her thighs and calves, her arms tight around her legs. She rests her chin on one of her knees and looks oh-so fragile.

'Cassie sleeping?' She looks at him and nods once. 'Good.'

'I'm worried about her.' Daniel states and all eyes turn to him.

'As am I.' Teal'c agrees.

'She hasn't said a word since…' He doesn't finish his sentence. He doesn't need to. And it's still too fresh, too recent, too painful for them. 'Don't you think we should try and get her to talk to us?'

'No.' All three men turn to look at Sam. Since her beautiful and heartbreaking speech at the memorial, she hasn't said much either. 'After my mom died, I didn't want to talk to anyone.' They all wince because they all know she never talks about her mother.

'I'm sorry to say Sam but there was a lot of resentment going around when your mother died.' She nods distractedly. 'Wait. Is Cassie resenting us?' He exclaims and he knows he means himself because he was there when Janet was shot.

'No. But there wasn't only resentment then. Janet is the second mother she loses. Losing my mom was the worst day of my life. I can't imagine going through it again.'

They nod in understanding and only then does Jack notice how much she is shaking. And it's not just hypoglycemia as he had initially thought. He extends a hand and briefly rests it on her bare knee. He suspects her stockings are in her purse. She's traded those for a pair of thin white socks which she had forgotten here when the team slept here once and which he had thrown in the washing machine with his things and stuffed in the pocket of the hoody sweater when they were dry. He guesses she appreciates the gesture. Despite having noticed that the stockings are gone, the contact with her cold skin surprises him a bit.

'God, Carter, you're freezing. Let me get you something to wear.' She's about to protest but he's already on his feet.

When he comes back, he hands her a pair of sweatpants. She slips them one before tugging off her skirt. They're just a tad bit too big for her and he can't help smiling at that and thinking that she should keep them. They're a bit too small for him anyway. He hands her a pair of his socks, watching as she slips them on over her thin and tiny white socks. He then sits back down next to her, a bit closer this time so that his hand can almost unconsciously settle behind her and rub lazy circles on her back. Her skirt rests forgotten on the arm of the couch.

They're all silent for a long while and Jack is surprised when Carter rests her head on his shoulder. It's innocent and it feels so damn good. But he is surprised she initiated the contact. His arm comes to rest around her shoulders and he pulls her in a bit closer. Maybe she'll fall asleep. He hopes she will. He knows she hasn't been sleeping well these past few days.

'Daniel, would you mind preparing me a cup of tea, please?'

Her voice is soft and even if she didn't already have them all wrapped around her little finger, he would have gone without the usual teasing. Because she sounds so fragile and broken that Jack just wants to pull her in even closer and rock her to sleep. He suspects Daniel feels the same way but he simply smiles at her, nods and stands up. He doesn't need to ask who wants what. Beer for Jack. Root beer for Teal'c. Coffee for him.

He comes back to the living room and hands out all the drinks. They're surprised when Teal'c initiates a toast.

'To Doctor Frasier. A formidable medical doctor who, despite her limited size, knew how to control the greatest warriors.' They all smile, despite the tears welling up in their eyes.

'To Janet. An amazing and beautiful woman whom I thought I loved as a friend but I now know meant much more to me.' They look at Daniel compassionately. They aren't all that surprised by his words. More by the actual fact that he spoke them out loud.

'To Frasier. Napoleonic Power Monger Supreme. Best damn doctor I've ever known. Despite her big honkin' needles. None of us would be here if it weren't for her.'

'To Janet. A doctor, a woman, a mother, a friend. She will forever remain the best friend I have ever had. The world is a better place for she has lived. She will be dearly missed and will always be in our hearts. May she rest in peace.'

Jack pulls her tighter against his side and wipes the tears off her cheeks. No one speaks. Words are unnecessary and overrated. Words and sounds are unholy in this quiet moment.

He doesn't have the slightest idea how it happened but when he wakes up, there's a warm body pressed against him. He cracks an eye open. Still on the couch. Explains the tight fit. But he's in no hurry to get up. Because unless it's Teal'c or Daniel, which he really doubts, he really doesn't mind any of his guests cuddling up to him. But if he's being honest, right now, he would much rather be simply Jack – sir or Colonel if she really insists – than Uncle Jack. The hair that tickles his chin and cheek and the toes pressed against his confirm his suspicion. Too tall to be Cassie.

He turns his head and looks down at the mop of blonde hair. Some time since last night she's removed her sweater which he notices resting on the back of the couch. She lets out a sigh when his hand tightens a bit around her bare arm. As he looks further down, he frowns at the bright sky blue t-shirt with a smiley face on the chest. He briefly wonders when she put it on and decides it must have been between tucking Cassie in and joining them in the living room last night. He suspects the teenager to have something to do with his second actually owning the shirt.

He goes further down some more. She's still wearing the sweatpants which seem to be hanging very low on her hips and there's a tantalizing bit of milky white skin showing between the hem of the blue shirt and waistband of the black sweatpants. He really wants to run his finger over it to test the softness of her skin and maybe to see if by just barely brushing her skin he can make her shiver. But he convinces himself not to. She's gotten rid of his socks, but she's still wearing hers although one is hanging off quite precariously and that is just too tempting.

His toe bumps the bottom of her foot a few times before working on toeing the sock off completely, his eyebrows shooting up to his hairline when he sees the multicoloured toenails. He smiles. Cassie again he suspects. He'll make sure to ask his second how her toenails came to have these bright and cheerful colours. Not quite Air Force regulation he suspects but he shakes the thought away. Who cares about the toenails of their officers? As long as the feet they are attached to run fast enough.

Jack gently but playfully bumps her feet again. She is surprisingly unresponsive. But then it's not that often that he gets to see Carter sleep while on world. But he likes that she can sleep so deeply in his arms. And he likes that, even though her forehead is pressed against his jaw, he can play footsie with her. He has decided a few years ago that he likes tall women. If asked he would say he doesn't know why. But he's already admitted that a certain beautiful blonde had already stolen his heart back then and that she was already as perfect for him as he thinks she is now. He tries to shake the thought away and focuses on the situation at hand. He likes that she doesn't seem to notice his toes gently but playfully poking the bottom of her feet.

Or so he thought.

'Hm. Trying to sleep.' She mumbles.

He chuckles and unconsciously presses his lips to her forehead. When she is breathing deeply and evenly again he turns to look at the room. His back and neck hurt from the simple thought of sleeping in Daniel's position, folded a thousand ways in a chair that would have been too small for Carter to sleep in. His head is thrown back, his mouth wide open. And he's snoring louder than he thought possible from a sober man Daniel's size. He continues looking around the room. The sun is already up and it surprises him that they have all slept so late when the light is already streaming in. Well, except for Teal'c whose tall and muscular form he can see shadowed in front of the window looking out to the backyard.

As if he realizes Jack is looking at him – which he probably does – he turns around.

'Have you slept well O'Neill?' He asks seriously although there's a bit of a smile tugging at the corners of his lips when he looks at the Major's still relaxed and sleeping form.

'Yeah.'

'Major Carter.' Teal'c greets with a slow nod.

Jack frowns and turns to look down at Sam's face. Sure enough, her blue eyes are open and seem to be taking in the scene but she doesn't look like she has any intention of talking or moving any time soon. She looks sleepy and maybe a little bit grumpy. Sam Carter is not a morning person? Who would have figured? But really, it isn't like he needed another reason to adore this woman.

Teal'c must have realized the same thing because he doesn't press the issue further and simply cocks his head at Daniel, rising an eyebrow before turning back to look outside. Jack's surprised Carter hasn't moved away yet but he figures she either hasn't yet realized whom she's cuddling with or she figures the circumstances are exceptional enough.

A short while later, he hears feet patting down the hallway. He looks up and smiles a bit at Cassie's disheveled look. She frowns at the scene in the living room and Jack figures he has to give her credit. Finding him and Carter hugging on the couch and Daniel snoring loud enough to wake up the dead in a nearby chair must be pretty confusing. Especially a few minutes after waking up. She's probably wondering whether she's still dreaming. Not that he blames her. He would be wondering the same if he were in her position because they don't usually make a habit of all sleeping in the living room, cramped up on the available soft surfaces. They're too old for that. Especially him.

'Hi Cass.'

He feels Carter's head move so she can look at Cassie. He regretfully lets her go when she pushes up so she can sit on the couch, her legs thrown over his. When Cassie walks over, he figures he better sit up as well. The teenager sits down between them and curls up against Sam before pulling him against her other side. They remain silent for a long while until Cassie's tugs at the front of Sam's shirt twice.

'You do wear it.' She notes in a soft voice. It surprises them both that she's talking but they don't mention it. Sam smiles.

'I do. I actually really like it.'

'We'll get you more of those next time we go to the mall.' Sam smiles brighter and nods against the top of Cassie's head.

'Deal.' There's a pause.

'Sam?' Cassie asked quizzically.

'Yeah?'

'Where's your second sock?' Jack tries to hold back his laughter as Sam looks down, frowning. She looks up at him over Cassie's head.

'Sir, what did you do with my sock?' Jack can't push away the thought that this might be the weirdest question preceded by 'sir' that was ever asked.

'Nothing. It must be somewhere on the couch. You might be sitting on it.' He knows she barely manages not to roll her eyes. He catches Cassie's frown just before she asks the question.

'How on Earth did you get involved with Sam losing a sock?' She asks as Sam looks for it under her butt and between the cushions.

'He was playing footsie while I was still sleeping. And he thought it would be fun to tug off my sock.' Sam answers just before turning up victorious. She slips on the white sock before sitting back down and pulling Cassie back against her.

'Yeah, whatever. Now I have a question for you, Carter. How come you have multicoloured toenails?' Cassie bursts out laughing and he'll be damned if it isn't the best sound he's heard in a very long time. Sam glares at him and a bright blush tints her cheeks a lovely shade of pink.

'Ask this one.' She states, poking Cassie's side once. The girl squirms between them.

'Cass?'

'I thought she needed a little colour. So I offered to paint her toenails.'

'You offered?' Carter exclaims. 'More like you forced me.'

'And yet your toes are still multicoloured.' Jack notes.

'Sir, I see her almost every Saturday. She said she would strap me to a chair and do my feet _and_ hands if I wiped it off.' Jack chuckles. They hear Daniel grunt once in the chair before his hand moves to his face and he rubs it while Sam sneakily tickles Cassie.

'Morning Daniel.' Jack cheerfully exclaims.

'Morning.' He mumbles. 'I had the weirdest dream. About socks and painted toenails.'

Cassie and Carter burst out laughing and Jack smiles. Looking at the girl, he knows that it won't be easy but, eventually, they will make it. They will never let her be alone.


End file.
